self-conscious

Self- conscious:

The image in the mirror distorts…

The image ripples, distorts as the chatter behind me disappears.Time pauses- a blip in time as the mirror unveils a being fashioned in flesh, muscle, and bone, a being that almost resembles me. She turns left and right, sucks in her stomach and arches her back-hoping to distract others from her many imperfections. imperfections are a “dime-a-dozen”–they stack high and tall, shutter and shatter as they reach the precipice and expire like a butterfly’s wing.  His lips will kiss a trail down her body; a cartographer who is meticulous in his approach, he will cringe in horror at the damage done by the lack of self-love and upkeep. His bite marks fade into a pattern that she traces idly. A roaming forest, with its high grass, thick treetops that obscure the sun’s rays penetrating rays, I am thrumming with life until I ripped apart for another’s avarice. I am nothing and then, I am everything. My image ripples and solidifies in front of the same mirror. Seconds may have gone by but it feels more like decades. “Time for war!” I am the type of solider who loads her gun slowly and tips her head back in preparation for impact. may the shrapnel be recovered. The scars on my arms shine bright under the light. invisible yet oozing from the rawest of wounds, I scrub and scrub away the translucent scars that stubbornly cling on.

I dissolve…

I disappear when the mirror saunters closer-my flaws are revealed and reveal that I am less than human. I am a thing with a humanoid body. I have morphed into what I foolishly believed was a perfect form but I have been tricked. tipping my head back, I cringe each time I swallow life’s poison. Rage fuels inside of me like a bubbling volcano. I feed it my self-doubt until it’s a riotous fire. The flames are wicked–licking at my skin  as I fully submerge myself in discarded ashes.

my self-worth
is decided through
the eyes of others. standing before
a judge that bears the eyes of billions,
they perceive me in a way that I will never truly understand.
it is their mission to properly interpret.
there is miscommunication, of course,
that can hold sway to your ability to value yourself.
I have the education to counteract the ignorance
that invades the air like a virus. so why do I willingly
eat up that bullshit that comes my way?

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