conversations

Everyone: How are you feeling today?

Me: anxious and self- conscious.

Everyone: Oh? (Taken aback)

Me: yeah. I feel life is crashing down on me. Like I’m in the middle of the ocean and I’m drowning. There is not enough air yet my lungs keep on working. I put so much pressure on myself that I’m constantly up all night listing my failures. There are times where I think I’m damned because I wasn’t spontaneous enough. Why didn’t I sell all my possessions and move to the amazon to fight off poachers? Why, why, why– my life is a constant wave of unanswered questions that demand my psyche to spread itself wide open. I am climbing stairs that have no destination. I am riding an elevator and the ping never happens. I’m falling and yet, I never crash. I feel like I’m waiting for this huge, unmistakable event in my life. The fork in the road with a bedazzled sign that says, “right here”. I’m waiting and I am waiting some  more and in the lapse of time that I’m impatiently waiting, my heartbeat picks up a beat that is unnatural. Today, I woke up and I thought I was beautiful. That’s how most of my days go. I look in the mirror and think one good trait about myself. Most days, it’s about my eyes. The shape, the color, or the way they light up when I admire myself. But then the day dwindles on-I notice an even prettier girl than me and I begin to doubt myself, the cute guy I pass by doesn’t notice me and I blame myself, the way my jeans slide lower, exposing my belly fat, makes me hate myself, the cover girl winking at me from a magazine clouds my judgement as I consider extreme measures to look exactly like her. Society chips away at my self-esteem like a chisel. Chip, chip, chip away at my self-love. Make me hate my brown skin, curly hair, and mixed features. I am everything in the morning and I revert back into a clay that needs to be molded once again at night. I am lucky in most ways but I am also unfortunate. Like every person bound to this earth by flesh and bone, I am loved by God but like everyone else, I allow the fermented hate of others to destroy the image I have of myself. God loves me the way I am, so why do I allow others to ruin that pure, unconditional love? Life takes a toll on us all but it is the people who take the time to learn from the challenges thrown their way that are truly inspirational.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Mindfulness Educator

Reaching Beyond Academics

Urban Poetry

She's an Urban Pen spilling ink in inspiration and words.. A Digital Art & Poetry Wordpress By Linda J. Wolff

Book 'Em, Jan O

Ghosts, Tall Tales & Witty Haiku!

anemigrantpoet

poetry from one who is addressless.

The Waas Blog

We all have an unique story....I want to share yours!

A Fly on the Wall Inside My Mind

Published poet on a good day. Aspiring writer on the bad days.

Lunnah. The Official Book Blog

an out-of-this-world girl, of this world, but not entirely in it.

Life of Chaz

Welcome to My Life

Sara in LaLaLand

Welcome to my world.

In The Garden - Blog

What seeds are you planting today?

Posey Rose-Leaf.

A life under construction in these brain age games.

Novel Writing Festival

Monthly Festival : Turn your book into a movie and get it seen by 1000s of people. Or garner FULL FEEDBACK from publishers on your novel and help your next draft. Or get a transcript video of your novel performed by professional actors.

Didi Oviatt

Author of suspense novels Search For Maylee, Aggravated Momentum, The Stix, and New Age Lamians. As well as the short story collection Time Wasters and (co-author of) The Suspenseful Collection. Columnist for The Conscious Talk Magazine.

Craftie Beaver

One beaver can change the entire landscape for everyone. It just takes time.

%d bloggers like this: